Day 3 - PVB, Rob, Jason, Emma

I am going to refer to today as "The Day of the Massive Stomach Ache." All day I was thinking about last night and everything that happened, and feeling terrible. I did not talk to Jenn at all, even though I wanted to text her so bad. I feel like that would just make things worse.

This morning I woke up to my Mom making me pancakes, which was wonderful. We went out to Ponte Vedra with Liam for the day, and met up with my grandmother and my cousin Patrick at my aunt's house. We pretty much just sat around and talked, and I had a really long talk with Granny Franny about Sweet Briar. I have decided (more like accepted) that I am miserable there. I realized today when I was talking to Granny about it, that it is a good fit academically, just not socially. I am not going to transfer, but I have been thinking a lot more about graduate school. Working at the hospital this summer will be good, because if it turns out to be something I enjoy, it would be a field I could easily go into right out of school. I want/need to get an MBA, although I will get my Masters and Doctorate in Art History before I am 50. That is my ultimate goal in life. How cool would it be to have a doctorate in Contemporary Art? That is what I would love to do. I love my grandmother so much, and talking to her makes me realize things and sort my thoughts.

We went to the Town Center for lunch and shopping. At Barnes and Noble I got my favorite magazines ever, as well as a new one called FOUND that I uh.... found. I haven’t really looked at it yet but it looks pretty cool. I will be up all night tonight reading that, Artforum, and Art on Paper.

For my birthday my mom got me a gift card to get a new iPhone since mine is a piece of crap and falling apart. Although when I went in my friends there told me to wait a while before I get a new one since there may be a new phone coming out this summer. So me and my good friend Cherry Darling will be sticking together for a bit longer. I guess that’s good, because I still hadn’t thought of a new name for my new phone. My phone now is Cherry Darling (Planet Terror), my Kindle is Dr. Dakota Block (also Planet Terror) and my iPod is Frankenstein. So I will think about that for a while.

I spent some time with Rob tonight, and it was different than it has been for a while. I think a lot about my senior year and how Rob and I spent every moment together, and I really miss that. And tonight it didn't feel forced like it does sometimes. We about peed ourselves when lightning hit right by his house right before we were going to go to the Loop for dinner. (I just realized I left my cup in my car and I am really thirsty....) I got my food and as always, the first thing he did was take a huge bite out of one of my chicken fingers. Although this time it scalded his mouth and the chicken along with a line of slobber fell from his mouth. Just as it happened a women walked in the door and watched the whole thing happen. She just shook her head and laughed, which made the whole situation about a thousand times funnier. After dinner our first thought was "Krispy Kreme," of course. We then discovered the hot sign is on until 10 now, which was thrilling.

After I left Rob's I went to the beach and hung out with Jason for a little bit. It was rainy and gross and the only thing we could figure out to do was to walk on the beach for a while. I felt bad because he has a broken toe and the sand was wet and hard to walk on, but he was a good sport about it. I wasn’t out there very long, and I was driving back home I realized that I hadn’t seen Emma yet, so I called her and met her at the Casbah with two of her friends. That sentence was unnecessarily long. I was there with her for about an hour and I think I am going to do something with her tomorrow.

In the last few days, I have realized something really odd about myself. I guess I realized it a long time ago, but it has been confirmed. I am an observer. In any given situation, I would much rather observe than partake. Like the other night at TSI, I would rather people watch than dance or socialize. I think this is the main thing that makes me so socially awkward. I am fine with that though. It may be part of my creative and artsy side that makes me do it, because I like to image these people’s lives and what they will do when they go home. I wish I could be invisible. I would go out so much and just watch people, never partaking in any of the activities, just observe. I don’t feel like this is creepy in the least bit, because I am not staring and watching, just observing and noting things. Alright that is even creepier.

Overall I had a decent day, but I had this nagging stomach ache all day, thinking about last night. No matter what I was doing, or how hard I was laughing at Rob in pain, I could not get last night out of my head. I have to fix this. I have a phone conference tomorrow morning at 9:30 (I feel so grown up) so I am going to get to sleep. No plans other than that tomorrow for the most part.

Day 2 - TSI

Tonight was probably the worst night ever. I was the worst friend I could possibly be. My night began by taking a nice, long nap. How can you go wrong there? Then I picked up Jenn and she and I went to pick up my cousin Patrick from the airport. On the way back from the airport, we made plans to go to Rob’s party for a bit then to TSI. So I took Patrick to my house, and got ready to go to TSI. Once we were at TSI I was not in the best mood. Bad music, not many people, and it was just a weird night. I have no clue what made me so angry, but I majorly took it out on Jenn. The whole night she was trying to get me to cheer up but I wouldn’t. Her friends Adam and Clayto from Thursday night were there and we hung out with them for a bit. Adam and I talked, mainly about Jenn when she wasn’t around. Before we left he asked for my number, and about a thousand things went through my head. I know his intentions were pure, but it came off really badly. I tried to protest but I failed miserably I gave in, and gave him my number. My thought was that he wanted to talk about something we had been talking about off an on all night.

Long story short, Jenn and I got into a big fight. I acted so selfishly and stupidly and I obviously made the wrong choice not only in this situation, but in the whole night. I was ride to her all night when she did nothing at all to deserve it. I messed up so badly I cannot think of how to fix this situation. Some things were said tonight that hurt me worse than I thought imaginable, but I deserved it all. I don’t know what to do.

On a lighter, less tressful note, I took Liam to see Monsters vs Aliens today. It was cute . I was not too excited about seeing it, but there was this one part that I was cracking up in. I don;t know why, but I usually find things to be humorous, but I am always keeping it to myself, or not laughing. No idea why. I am weird. This part had be cracking up for a solid minute. The clip is most likely going to removed since the person filmed it in the theater, but I will try. I may not be as humorous out of context, but still.

After that I came home and pretty much just had a long talk with my mom. I tried to get it out about my dad and Kathleen, but I couldn't do it. I then had to go drop off Liam at my dad's, and there was this guy there who was helping him move tiles. He was only a few years older than me, but he was hitting on me in front of my dad, and even better, my dad did nothing to stop it. Ugh.

I have spent hours today watching all of livelavalive' videos. I feel like I am have a really unhealthy relationship with YouTube. I spend at least an hour every day, usually when I am trying to go t bed at night, watching videos. A good amount of time is spent watching my 90-some-odd subscriptions, then Stumbling to get more or just browsing the featured videos. that is how I found livelavalive. He is hilarious. I have watched this video multiple times today and I love it. I just need to figure out who to send it to.... Oh. You!

That is all for today. I am thankful to end this day. Goodness. I want to talk to Jenn so badly but I know if I try to will pester her and make things worse. I am the worst friend ever.