Jenn came home today. Finally. I sent the morning doing even more cleaning, and I picked up my old bookshelf from my Dad’s so that is now in my room and it makes my life easier.
Jenn and I went to Kickbacks, and on the way there I told her about I have been reading and using the I Ching, and how it is changing my life. She said she wanted to read it, and I had a hard time explaining its not a book you can just read. So once we got inside I pulled it out and some coins and explained to her how to use it, and what the hexagrams mean. So for her first time using it, er question was if moving to Virginia was a good idea. Her result also has her sold on the I Ching. She got the 56th hexagram, Sojourning. Which is all about traveling, journeys: “This is a time of wandering, seeking and living apart. You are a stranger in a strange land, whose identity comes from a distant centre. You are alone, outside the social network, with few connections, on a quest of your own. Make clear decisions even if they are painful…” After I read it out loud I looked up and Jenn’s jaw was pretty much on the table. It was dead on. She knew it was a good idea to move before, but this pretty much sealed the deal. We did a few more and she saw how each hexagram is so different, and its not like a horoscope where you can take anything and mold it to fit your situation. It truly is an oracle. I have never been one to believe in such things, but in the last week that I have been reading and using the I Ching, my life has changed. And I know that is weird, but it makes you view the world differently.
I have been reading a lot about Taoism as well, and I feel like that is for me. I was telling Jenn about this today as well. I have been raised in a Christian house hold. I have gone to Christian schools. I always have and always will consider myself to be a strong Christian. I believe in Jesus and the Bible, but it has never really altered me in any ways. Jenn’s dad is both a Christian and a Buddhist and I feel like I am like him. Christian, but I need something else to explain the world. And that is how Taoism is. It is seriously life altering.
Jenn made me read The Alchemist tonight (Emma lent it to me). I read it cover to cover without moving. It was amazing. It dealt with the idea of connecting to nature and the world around you, so it was right on track with where my mind has been lately. After I read it I was reading more about Taoism when I decided to go back to the I Ching. I was wondering is Taoism was a good fit for me, and I got the 23rd hexagram, Stripping. “This is a time to strip away what is unusable, habits and ideas that have grown old and outmoded. Remove and uncover things. This is an end of a cycle and the preparation for the new. Done deal. I am sold. Tomorrow Jenn and I are going to Chamblins and I will be loading up on books. I am going to get her the I Ching for her birthday. I hope she doesn’t read this.
I don’t know who reads this, but you NEED to read and use the I Ching. It will change your life.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Day 76 - Painting, Target, Night at the Roxbury
Today I helped paint Mrs. Risdon's classroom with a bunch of teachers and kids. that was fun, although it was more of a work out than it should have been. My hair is completely white from where I kept hitting my head on wet paint so now I look like I have the most intense dandruff ever.
I kept cleaning all this afternoon, and got rid of another chunk of stuff from in my room. I got rid of everything that was in the shadow boxes on my dresser and night stand and went to Target to get photos developed to replace them with. Wile there I got a frame to hang one of my prints above my bed. I was looking ROUGH while I was there. Sweaty, needing a shower, hair and legs covered in paint. So, of course, who do I see? Mike Woods. The first thing I said was a disclaimer about not having intense dandruff, and he grabbed my head and was like "let MEEEEE see!" Then we discussed how he can only wear a pair of socks once then throws them away. Then of course the conversation turned to Jenn and it was far less awkward. But STILL. Embarrassing.
Then tonight after I was showered got the majority of paint out of my hair, my friend Kevin came over and we watched Night at the Roxbury, since he has never seen it. Watching a movie with him tonight made me think of last summer and watching movies with Wyatt all the time. Not talking to him anymore still hurts. He went from being one of my best friends and talking 24/7 to never speaking again. I have seen him a few times but we still havent spoken. It still hurts.
I kept cleaning all this afternoon, and got rid of another chunk of stuff from in my room. I got rid of everything that was in the shadow boxes on my dresser and night stand and went to Target to get photos developed to replace them with. Wile there I got a frame to hang one of my prints above my bed. I was looking ROUGH while I was there. Sweaty, needing a shower, hair and legs covered in paint. So, of course, who do I see? Mike Woods. The first thing I said was a disclaimer about not having intense dandruff, and he grabbed my head and was like "let MEEEEE see!" Then we discussed how he can only wear a pair of socks once then throws them away. Then of course the conversation turned to Jenn and it was far less awkward. But STILL. Embarrassing.
Then tonight after I was showered got the majority of paint out of my hair, my friend Kevin came over and we watched Night at the Roxbury, since he has never seen it. Watching a movie with him tonight made me think of last summer and watching movies with Wyatt all the time. Not talking to him anymore still hurts. He went from being one of my best friends and talking 24/7 to never speaking again. I have seen him a few times but we still havent spoken. It still hurts.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Day 1 - Pearl, TSI, Dad
I feel like this summer is going to be.... interesting. This is going to sound really pathetic, but I have been following Charles Trippy, Shay Carl, and Phillip DeFranco while they have been doing their daily video blogs. I was just watching Shay's from yesterday and I was thinking, "It's nice that he has this to look back on one day." I used to blog, doing the lame 9th grade LiveJournal thing, and recently I went back and read it. It was absolutely hilarious, and it made me feel like a complete loser. Although it was nice to go back through and read what my life was like then.
Today was my first full day of summer. I just completed by sophomore year of college, and my life is going through some changes. I feel like this summer will be stressful and different, and I want to remember it later on.
Last night, which was technically Day 1, but I was only in Jacksonville for a few hours, I think laid out how my summer is going to go. I got back into Jacksonville at about 6:00. It was raining, of course. My mom met me half way between here and Virginia in Columbia and we stayed the night there and went shopping yesterday before coming back down here. So I get home and unpack my car with the majority of my stuff. My mom gets home and she gets a call from one of our old neighbors, Mrs. Hager. Apparently the Hagers have been staking out my dad's house for some time. (They live down the road, and they have a perfect view of dad's house from their house) Mrs. Hager told my mom that, apparently, my dad's girlfriend Kathleen had been living there for a while. My mom was curious, so she sent me over there to check it out. I have always acted as the Middle Man between my parents since they got divorced. Its always "Will you tell your mother that..." "Take this over to your fathers...." I am getting sick of it. Although last night I was quite curious.
I got over there and Kathleen's car was in the driveway. I knocked, and Lilly started barking so I just went on it. I was greeted with the scene of my childhood playroom ripped to shreds. There was no carpet, no furniture; the walls were about a thousand different colors. Awesome Dad, thanks for telling me about this. When I pulled up I had a hint that something was up, because one of my favorite chairs was outside in the rain by the trash. I was not too pleased. Anyways, so Lilly is barking and can hear Kathleen yelling to see who was at the door. I yelled "Me!" thinking, for some reason, she would know. Of course not. I have met the woman twice. She was even sort of confused when she saw me. I was like, "Its Kate..." And I realized she was wearing a shirt of mine. Awesome. Turns out she was on the phone with my dad, who was in Baldwin, driving back from a meeting out of town and that he was going to be home in about 20 minutes. She gave me her phone to talk to him for a bit, and then she left the room. I was sitting at the bar and talking on her phone, and I was just looking around the room.
Then it caught my eye. A greeting card, displayed proudly on the bar. It was a simple and white, with the image of a man picking up and swinging a woman in a circle. The text read, "You're engaged!" Not wanting to touch it, viewing it as some heinous object, I peered around to read the inside. "Steve and Kathleen, Congratulations on your engagement! We are so happy for both of you! Love, Janette and Buzz." My stomach fell. I was still on the phone with my dad but his voice was distant and I wasn't paying attention anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes, and just then Kathleen came back. I sucked it up and tried not to think about it. I gave her the phone back, and she sat down to talk until my dad would come home. We started to talk about the family room, and "their" future plans for it. The card was still in my line of vision and I couldn't help but think about it. The tears came back, and she interpreted it as me being upset about the family room. I tried to tell her it wasn't, but I realized I had to ask. I pointed to the card as I really started to cry, and she just grabbed it and said, "Oh shit." Impulsively I looked at her ring finger and was glad to see that there was nothing there. She went on to explain that he wanted to tell me, and that was why he wanted to see me so badly when I was last in town about a month ago. She said that in September he took her up to Wisconsin to meet his family. I remember him taking that trip. He never mentioned that she was there or even why he went. She told me that he was always upset with him because towards me, he would pretend like she didn’t exist. We talked for a while about things, and I was almost bawling. I hate this. I have met her now three times. They have apparently been dating for five years this November. Which means that they met right after my parents separated.
To understand why this bothers me so much, I guess background on my dad is needed. Towards my mom and I, he has never been affectionate. Obviously in different ways. He has never been one to express emotions, or to make a commitment. So I was completely shocked that he is engaged. I don’t know how this is going to work out. I feel like it is going to be one of those things where they get engaged but never actually get married. I hope. I do not want a step mom. Even though I am 20 and I will never spend any time with her, I don’t want that for my brother. He absolutely hates going over to my dad’s, and this would just make it worse. Although according to my parent’s divorce settlement, if there is any communal living the children are not required to spend time with the other parent. So if she moves in, Liam doesn’t have to go over there anymore. He will be thrilled about hat though.
She says that once they get married (if) they wont even live together. What the hell? Basically what happened is that her lease on her house was up, and she was going to move away to be with her grand kids (GRAND. KIDS.). She told my dad, he freaked, and asked her to marry him so that she wouldn’t leave. I feel like that was just him being selfish. I know my dad, because unfortunately I took after him in asshole behavior traits. He does love her, but that does not trump his feelings about commitment and emotions and whatnot. I feel like he asked her to marry him so that she wouldn’t leave him. I guess it is good that he has someone there for him, with his health and Liam hating being over there, it’s a good positive, but I don’t feel like his motives were correct. Anyways, she got another house since she had to move out, so she has somewhere she is required t live, basically, for the next 2 years. And my dad sure as hell is not moving. So they wont live together? I don’t know. That’s just weird. But that is my dad for you.
So my dad came home just as I was getting ready to leave. I was not up for having the same conversation with him, and I really had to get home because I was supposed to go out. He walked in, and I was avoiding eye contact. I don’t remember if Kathleen said something, or if I did, but when he found out I knew he was angry. He started yelling at me, trying to make me feel bad for not seeing him when I was last home, and for never returning his calls. So it is my fault that he hid it from me? I didn’t see him when I was last here because usually we just go out to dinner and sit around awkwardly while I am left to feel like he is only there because he has to spend time with me. I don’t want to be there either though. So on my last trip home I avoided that.
Before I left I asked him when he was going to tell Liam and my mom. He said he would tell Liam this weekend, since now I know. And he was going to let telling my mom up to me. That pissed me off. I told him that no way in hell would I be the one to tell her and that HE had to do it. Needless to say, he was not thrilled. I left then to go home and eat dinner and get ready to go out. I had to put on a happy face and tell my mom that Kathleen was not living there and she was just watching Lilly, which was the truth. I had to sit and have a happy dinner with her and Liam, and pretend like nothing was wrong.
Anyways, later Jenn and I went out. It was kind of awkward at first, and I was in a bad mood and I felt bad that I made Jenn miss something she wanted to do since I was running late due to the hour I was at my dad’s house. We got past that and had dinner at Sushi Café where MC made Jenn some awesome sushi. After that we went to her friend Adam’s house and I drank alone before we went to the Pearl. We got to the Pearl and Adam was in the longest line ever to get in. So we went in the back and Adam was too impatient and left. Last night the Pearl was interesting. There was a weird mix of people. Although Jaclynn was there and I was finally able to say some things to her I have wanted to tell her for a very long time. I feel better now. This guy I met at TSI at the Black and White ball was there too, but of course I didn’t have the nerve to go and talk to him. We left early and went to TSI to hang out with Adam and Clayto for a bit. They were both very drunk and the place was empty. Jenn and I absolutely wowed them with our dancing skills on the stage. More like we pretended to be ballerinas and they pretended were too drunk to pay attention. Jenn and I left and enjoyed some 4 AM Wa-Ho where this were some hilarious people. As we were leaving we were stopped by this guy who asked us if we sang for the B-52s, and I said that I used to but I haven’t lately. Funny thing is that I saw the same guy, in black bike shorts and a camo jacket riding a bike through my neighborhood today. Odd.
Today, which I am going to call Day 1, was lazy as anything. Laid around all day, then I went to help my dad buy tile. Hoorah. We really didn’t talk about Kathleen or anything and it was awkward. When I got home from doing that my mom was in a funny mood. I still don’t know why. We went to dinner with the Whelans, and in the middle of dinner Mrs. Hager called my mo and they talked for a minute, and my mom was saying things like “No I’m fine” and whatnot. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on, but she wouldn’t say.
So now I have a predicament. Do I tell my mom or not? I feel like it is not my place to tell her, yet again she may get her feelings hurt if she finds out that I knew and I was hiding it from her. I know she won’t be upset that he is getting married; at least I don’t think so. I feel like the part that will hurt is that my asshole of a father found someone before she did. My mother is an amazing and beautiful woman, and is somehow single. I feel bad because she kind of dated this one guy a few years ago, but I was uncomfortable with it and told her she could do better, and she broke it off with him. I feel that my selfish, dad-like intentions in that situation kind of screwed her over. And I feel really guilty about that. Hopefully tomorrow I will figure out what to do: tell her or not to tell her?
I am going to try extra hard to be nicer to Liam this summer. I asked him to go see a movie with me tomorrow, and we are going to see Monsters and Aliens. Also he is glad about this because it is less time that he has to spend at my dad’s house. Liam has been having a hard time lately, and acting out, and my mom really does not need this. I am going to try to help with straightening him out a bit. I am trying, but who knows how that will work out.
Tomorrow Liam has a baseball game in the morning and my dad may be there, and if so, that will be awkward. I am hoping he doesn’t show.
Day 1 of summer has been odd so far. We will see how this pans out. Right now, however, I am going to get something to eat with Jarrett. I was planning on going to Steamworks tonight but I guess I am not going. This was really long, I hope every day isn't like this.
Today was my first full day of summer. I just completed by sophomore year of college, and my life is going through some changes. I feel like this summer will be stressful and different, and I want to remember it later on.
Last night, which was technically Day 1, but I was only in Jacksonville for a few hours, I think laid out how my summer is going to go. I got back into Jacksonville at about 6:00. It was raining, of course. My mom met me half way between here and Virginia in Columbia and we stayed the night there and went shopping yesterday before coming back down here. So I get home and unpack my car with the majority of my stuff. My mom gets home and she gets a call from one of our old neighbors, Mrs. Hager. Apparently the Hagers have been staking out my dad's house for some time. (They live down the road, and they have a perfect view of dad's house from their house) Mrs. Hager told my mom that, apparently, my dad's girlfriend Kathleen had been living there for a while. My mom was curious, so she sent me over there to check it out. I have always acted as the Middle Man between my parents since they got divorced. Its always "Will you tell your mother that..." "Take this over to your fathers...." I am getting sick of it. Although last night I was quite curious.
I got over there and Kathleen's car was in the driveway. I knocked, and Lilly started barking so I just went on it. I was greeted with the scene of my childhood playroom ripped to shreds. There was no carpet, no furniture; the walls were about a thousand different colors. Awesome Dad, thanks for telling me about this. When I pulled up I had a hint that something was up, because one of my favorite chairs was outside in the rain by the trash. I was not too pleased. Anyways, so Lilly is barking and can hear Kathleen yelling to see who was at the door. I yelled "Me!" thinking, for some reason, she would know. Of course not. I have met the woman twice. She was even sort of confused when she saw me. I was like, "Its Kate..." And I realized she was wearing a shirt of mine. Awesome. Turns out she was on the phone with my dad, who was in Baldwin, driving back from a meeting out of town and that he was going to be home in about 20 minutes. She gave me her phone to talk to him for a bit, and then she left the room. I was sitting at the bar and talking on her phone, and I was just looking around the room.
Then it caught my eye. A greeting card, displayed proudly on the bar. It was a simple and white, with the image of a man picking up and swinging a woman in a circle. The text read, "You're engaged!" Not wanting to touch it, viewing it as some heinous object, I peered around to read the inside. "Steve and Kathleen, Congratulations on your engagement! We are so happy for both of you! Love, Janette and Buzz." My stomach fell. I was still on the phone with my dad but his voice was distant and I wasn't paying attention anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes, and just then Kathleen came back. I sucked it up and tried not to think about it. I gave her the phone back, and she sat down to talk until my dad would come home. We started to talk about the family room, and "their" future plans for it. The card was still in my line of vision and I couldn't help but think about it. The tears came back, and she interpreted it as me being upset about the family room. I tried to tell her it wasn't, but I realized I had to ask. I pointed to the card as I really started to cry, and she just grabbed it and said, "Oh shit." Impulsively I looked at her ring finger and was glad to see that there was nothing there. She went on to explain that he wanted to tell me, and that was why he wanted to see me so badly when I was last in town about a month ago. She said that in September he took her up to Wisconsin to meet his family. I remember him taking that trip. He never mentioned that she was there or even why he went. She told me that he was always upset with him because towards me, he would pretend like she didn’t exist. We talked for a while about things, and I was almost bawling. I hate this. I have met her now three times. They have apparently been dating for five years this November. Which means that they met right after my parents separated.
To understand why this bothers me so much, I guess background on my dad is needed. Towards my mom and I, he has never been affectionate. Obviously in different ways. He has never been one to express emotions, or to make a commitment. So I was completely shocked that he is engaged. I don’t know how this is going to work out. I feel like it is going to be one of those things where they get engaged but never actually get married. I hope. I do not want a step mom. Even though I am 20 and I will never spend any time with her, I don’t want that for my brother. He absolutely hates going over to my dad’s, and this would just make it worse. Although according to my parent’s divorce settlement, if there is any communal living the children are not required to spend time with the other parent. So if she moves in, Liam doesn’t have to go over there anymore. He will be thrilled about hat though.
She says that once they get married (if) they wont even live together. What the hell? Basically what happened is that her lease on her house was up, and she was going to move away to be with her grand kids (GRAND. KIDS.). She told my dad, he freaked, and asked her to marry him so that she wouldn’t leave. I feel like that was just him being selfish. I know my dad, because unfortunately I took after him in asshole behavior traits. He does love her, but that does not trump his feelings about commitment and emotions and whatnot. I feel like he asked her to marry him so that she wouldn’t leave him. I guess it is good that he has someone there for him, with his health and Liam hating being over there, it’s a good positive, but I don’t feel like his motives were correct. Anyways, she got another house since she had to move out, so she has somewhere she is required t live, basically, for the next 2 years. And my dad sure as hell is not moving. So they wont live together? I don’t know. That’s just weird. But that is my dad for you.
So my dad came home just as I was getting ready to leave. I was not up for having the same conversation with him, and I really had to get home because I was supposed to go out. He walked in, and I was avoiding eye contact. I don’t remember if Kathleen said something, or if I did, but when he found out I knew he was angry. He started yelling at me, trying to make me feel bad for not seeing him when I was last home, and for never returning his calls. So it is my fault that he hid it from me? I didn’t see him when I was last here because usually we just go out to dinner and sit around awkwardly while I am left to feel like he is only there because he has to spend time with me. I don’t want to be there either though. So on my last trip home I avoided that.
Before I left I asked him when he was going to tell Liam and my mom. He said he would tell Liam this weekend, since now I know. And he was going to let telling my mom up to me. That pissed me off. I told him that no way in hell would I be the one to tell her and that HE had to do it. Needless to say, he was not thrilled. I left then to go home and eat dinner and get ready to go out. I had to put on a happy face and tell my mom that Kathleen was not living there and she was just watching Lilly, which was the truth. I had to sit and have a happy dinner with her and Liam, and pretend like nothing was wrong.
Anyways, later Jenn and I went out. It was kind of awkward at first, and I was in a bad mood and I felt bad that I made Jenn miss something she wanted to do since I was running late due to the hour I was at my dad’s house. We got past that and had dinner at Sushi Café where MC made Jenn some awesome sushi. After that we went to her friend Adam’s house and I drank alone before we went to the Pearl. We got to the Pearl and Adam was in the longest line ever to get in. So we went in the back and Adam was too impatient and left. Last night the Pearl was interesting. There was a weird mix of people. Although Jaclynn was there and I was finally able to say some things to her I have wanted to tell her for a very long time. I feel better now. This guy I met at TSI at the Black and White ball was there too, but of course I didn’t have the nerve to go and talk to him. We left early and went to TSI to hang out with Adam and Clayto for a bit. They were both very drunk and the place was empty. Jenn and I absolutely wowed them with our dancing skills on the stage. More like we pretended to be ballerinas and they pretended were too drunk to pay attention. Jenn and I left and enjoyed some 4 AM Wa-Ho where this were some hilarious people. As we were leaving we were stopped by this guy who asked us if we sang for the B-52s, and I said that I used to but I haven’t lately. Funny thing is that I saw the same guy, in black bike shorts and a camo jacket riding a bike through my neighborhood today. Odd.
Today, which I am going to call Day 1, was lazy as anything. Laid around all day, then I went to help my dad buy tile. Hoorah. We really didn’t talk about Kathleen or anything and it was awkward. When I got home from doing that my mom was in a funny mood. I still don’t know why. We went to dinner with the Whelans, and in the middle of dinner Mrs. Hager called my mo and they talked for a minute, and my mom was saying things like “No I’m fine” and whatnot. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on, but she wouldn’t say.
So now I have a predicament. Do I tell my mom or not? I feel like it is not my place to tell her, yet again she may get her feelings hurt if she finds out that I knew and I was hiding it from her. I know she won’t be upset that he is getting married; at least I don’t think so. I feel like the part that will hurt is that my asshole of a father found someone before she did. My mother is an amazing and beautiful woman, and is somehow single. I feel bad because she kind of dated this one guy a few years ago, but I was uncomfortable with it and told her she could do better, and she broke it off with him. I feel that my selfish, dad-like intentions in that situation kind of screwed her over. And I feel really guilty about that. Hopefully tomorrow I will figure out what to do: tell her or not to tell her?
I am going to try extra hard to be nicer to Liam this summer. I asked him to go see a movie with me tomorrow, and we are going to see Monsters and Aliens. Also he is glad about this because it is less time that he has to spend at my dad’s house. Liam has been having a hard time lately, and acting out, and my mom really does not need this. I am going to try to help with straightening him out a bit. I am trying, but who knows how that will work out.
Tomorrow Liam has a baseball game in the morning and my dad may be there, and if so, that will be awkward. I am hoping he doesn’t show.
Day 1 of summer has been odd so far. We will see how this pans out. Right now, however, I am going to get something to eat with Jarrett. I was planning on going to Steamworks tonight but I guess I am not going. This was really long, I hope every day isn't like this.
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